Dear Everteen,

I went through this link posted by you on vaginal infection https://www.everteen.co.in/more-than-90-of-women-suffer-with-one-or-the-other-vaginal-infection/

This piece of article encouraged me to share my story which has a strong connect as detailed in your posted link. Though the phase which I am going to share is one of the darkest phases of my life and it was so dreadful for me that I never thought to think about that phase. But then after the read of your post, I gathered my courage to share my story as it may help some of the readers (couples) who are struggling with pregnancy.

I was married in 2001 and had never thought in dreams that I will face any problem in conceiving a child.  We never used any protection or family planning method and had usual life with regular & healthy intercourse. Initially my husband suggested using some protection for family planning purpose but I declined as I had a strong desire for child and that too as early as possible in my married life; may be in the first or 2nd year of marriage only.  Life went well and it consumed almost 2 years of my married life where I saw no sign of pregnancy despite of regular intercourse and no protection. Though my husband was comfortable with this and he never paid attention to the point that ‘I did not conceive in last 2 years’ but somehow I started worrying about this. This particular thought started growing in my mind and I thought that something is not right. May be, we were missing intercourse during the days which are favourable to conceiving like there are ‘safe days’ and ‘unsafe days’. I desperately started planning about my cycle and researched what are the favourable days for conceiving which are related to ovulation (the days when women produce eggs).

I learnt through my research that if we have intercourse during those 3-4 days of ovulation then only a woman can conceive and rest of the days are considered as safe as the woman does not produce any egg during that time. I consulted with the gynecologist and charted an ovulation calendar as the intercourse during that period will increase my chances of getting pregnant.  I shared the same with my husband and ensured that he will take leave and stay with me all 3-4 days as per the ovulation calendar. Although my husband would explain to me that you need not to be so desperate about this. “You are thinking so much about it and that is why its not happening. It will happen through natural way as & when time comes”.

But as I insisted, he will ensure to comply with me; thinking that it may discourage me more. This was my first planned attempt to conceive and I followed this for almost 3-4 months, but to my surprise I did not conceive after that also. I remembered whenever my period was about to due, I will procure couples of pregnancy test kits in excitement. And whenever there was 1 or 2 days delay in period, I used to get excited and do those pregnancy tests. But the attempt of Intercourse as per ovulation calendar was a complete failure and it created more panic in my mind. Now I had become completely uncomfortable with everything and I started getting this feeling that I can not conceive.

I was even hesitant in sharing this fear of mine with my husband as he might take some drastic step which can ruin my entire life. All negative thoughts will flare in my mind.  I used to visualize of all bad extremes of outcomes if I did not get pregnant. Lot of social fear and psychological fear started building in my mind and I was completely lost and full of fear. I started maintaining distance, become completely silent, no smile, no interaction with people around.. Just me in me. My husband noticed this change in me and he asked me several times if there is something wrong. With a fear that what could be his reaction, I did not say anything and just made excuses that I am not well etc etc.  Being so cheerful lady and suddenly becoming introvert, cut off from social activities, my husband sensed that something is not going right in my life.

And then one fine day, my husband explored my thoughts to find out the reason of sudden sadness in my behaviour and he insisted to share if something is not wrong. Till several hours of discussion I kept denying that there is nothing wrong but he kept pushing and did not accept my version of ‘everything is right’ and then I started crying. It was a stamp to the intuition of my husband that there was really something wrong.

Now he was desperate to know and solve it for me. He asked, “ tell me what is paining you, I will resolve it”. I asked him to promise me that he will not divorce me after I share the reason of sudden lost of myself in my life. It made him more uncomfortable that what could be so wrong that she is asking “ Not to divorce me’.  But he promised me the same and I remember what he said, “ I never think of my life without you and I will never depart from you for any reason whether its today or tomorrow or anytime in future. Now you tell me what is paining you”.

Just think of my mental status at that time; though I knew that he loves me so much and will never think in his wildest dream to leave me but still I took the promise that “You will not divorce me after knowing the reason”. It may sound weird now but I had completely lost my senses.

I was crying..crying and started vomiting out the reason as my husband was calming me down while listening carefully. After I finished and he understood the reason “ Not able to Conceive in last 2 years, even after a planned attempt”. He started laughing loud. Come on Renuka, these thoughts should not take away life from you and you should not get stressed because of all these thoughts. Just chill and relax, I am not so much concerned about having child. I am sure you will conceive when the time comes but incase if you are not, then also it does not make any difference in my life. Its completely fine with me and you should stop thinking about all this. You, please, don’t worry.  He started joking, “ We don’t have a kingdom now a days and so we don’t need a heir. Its absolutely fine till you are in my life, I need nothing else”. Had it been a kingdom of mine then I must have insisted, laughingly he took the promise from me that I will not think much about this.

I was a bit controlled after my husband’s comment but what I do with this thought. It was growing in my mind like anything and now the burden was doubled. The 2nd burden came in the form of guilt; I started feeling guilty to my husband and his family that He is so supportive & caring so much so that he is ready to live life with me even without child. And I am not able to give him a child. Along with the previous thought of “ Not Conceiving” this guilt factor made my life more dreadful and painful. I stopped going into any family functions, started avoiding meeting any of our relatives or family members; may be they will ask about the child. Its almost 3 years of marriage and you are not getting pregnant? I started assuming all questions which may be asked to me if I meet our family members especially my in laws. Parallelly I thought to explore the situation medically; find out the reason of this infertility. I started meeting infertility experts who conducted battery of tests to locate the problem like hormone tests, tube blockage tests, egg’s analyse etc.  but everything appeared correct. I started making round to one infertility expert to another infertility expert and repetition of those painful diagnostics but nothing was observant as a reason to my problem.  During this course of all rounds of meeting with infertility experts and diagnostic tests, my husband used to console me and make me understand that you just not need to ruin your life because of this.

Then suddenly, I thought my husband is taking it so lightly and he is not at all worried about it and always tried to distract me from this issue and at the same time my all tests are positive. May be, there is nothing wrong with me. May be, the reason lies with my husband. He is not capable of and he knows this that is why he takes it so lightly and always consoles me with all extreme reasons like we can live life without children.

The infertility expert also recommended that my husband should take semen’s test in terms of semen’s count and health of semen to fertilize the egg.  I was seeing a silver line out of all the despair I was going through and I had to take my husband for the semen test. If he is already aware about his status on semen, he will deny to go for it ( lot of thoughts started flaring in mind). As he came home, I asked him that he has to take a leave tomorrow and go for semen’s test as everything seems right with me and there may be some problem with him. Before I can finish my sentence, my husband said, “ Ok. No problem. I will go tomorrow and get it done’.  Not to get into any falsified situation, I said that I will accompany him for the test and I will only collect the report”.  My state of mind was really not well and I was not in a position to take any chance.  I was highly convinced that its my husband which had caused so much psychological stress to me and tomorrow I will find it out.

We went for the semen test and to finally murder the last reason to my despair the test revealed that everything was right with the quality of semen of my husband.

What next? What should I do? It means if there is something wrong then its only with me. And I was making his life a hell as I was not able to bear child and I also doubted his intentions. I started getting into depression, my psychological status was completely disturbed and now my husband also started feeling it that I am depressed and I might take some unwanted steps. As usual, he again tried to make me understand that it does not matter if we have or have not children.  I commented to him, “ You are the only son of your parents, may be,  you don’t want children but at least your parents will be expecting it. What I will say to them; that I can’t bear a child”. My husband used to reply sometime angrily that ‘our parents want what we want’. They are happy if we are happy and I will speak to my parents and they will understand.

However I asked him not to speak his parents but in his next visit to his hometown he explained it to his parents.  And I was not able to stop crying when I received a call from my mother in law. She called at landline and told, “ Renuka, We don’t need any children and you don’t think about all this that we are expecting children from you. Just both of you live a happy life that is what we want and leave all these weird thoughts away from your life”.

Now the burden was tripled and I started looking myself as a criminal who has ruined the life of husband & his family. I am sure they were true to their words that they just want me to live happily but their goodness was watering the guilt within me. I started even thinking of suicide as I can not face my husband just because of my depression and my mental desire of fulfilling his house with child. My husband will do all his efforts to make me forget all this.  The life for me now was not worth living. So much so that I asked my husband to get remarriage with another girl and brings children in the family. He smiled and said, “ I don’t want anybody between you and me.. no woman and not even child”

And one day, I asked my husband to go for test tube baby. I have read about the ICSI procedure where infertility experts give birth to the child some test tube procedures by injecting the semens in eggs outside of the womb. But my husband denied to do all this and replied that we will adopt a child some day if you feel so desperate about that. In continuation to that, he said that you should stop going to these infertility experts and if everything is right with us (as tested) we will have child through natural ways.

In next couple of days my husband met a Gyencologist in an office function whom he found quite intelligent and practical in her approach of handling patients. He shared the details of this Gyencologist and asked me to visit this Gyencologist.

But I was moved over Gyencologist and I was in the domain of infertility experts and test tube babies. How the Gyencologist is going to help, it’s beyond their reach and understanding.  Still my husband requested to pay one visit to this Gyencologist but neither was I confident or hopeful nor was I mentally stable to visit a Gyencologist. But my husband took me to this Gyencologist and the Gyencologist did the routine check up of my vaginal health and told me that I was having severe vaginal infection. She prescribed me some medicines and asked me to take care of my vaginal health by regular wash.

Vaginal Infection? I was thinking what it has to do with my infertility problem. But the Gyencologist asked to take those medicines and let the vaginal infection be removed before we make any advanced step.  As I was not confident and neither convinced about how a vaginal infection can block my chances of conceiving so I did not do anything about  taking medicine or vaginal wash. At the same time, looking at my mental status, my husband took me for holiday trip to south India so that I could stay away from this environment and may be this change would help me relieving from the depression. At that trip, my husband insisted to follow the prescription as told by Gyencologist. Just to consider my husband I followed the prescription and we were back to the city after 15 days of holiday.

And in the same month, it was the due date of my period but I did not had any sign of period like backache, lethargy etc. It was 4 days over my due date of the period and I was not feeling like having the one this month. I jumped upon my pregnancy test kits which were not used since months and did the one out of lot of curiosity and expecting a miracle. God, it happened. The miracle. I was pregnant. I could not believe it so I did the test twice and thrice and started crying loudly. It was morning time when my husband was shaving and he knocked at the washroom to know the reason ‘ why I was crying so loudly’. I opened the door, hugged him for almost 15 minutes making his soldier completely wet with tears and then said, “I AM PREGNANT”. Do you believe, I am pregnant!!! Pregnant… pregnant.

He cancelled his office and took me to the same Gyencologist to reconfirm it medically. The Gyencologist also conducted the same test and confirmed my pregnancy. I was thrilled and was out of this world, How it is possible? I did everything in last 2 years but what happened in this month. The Gyencologist simply explained that it was vaginal infection because of which I was not able to conceive and you are completely normal, healthy and capable of bearing as many children as you want; I can see the tear coming out of eyes of my husband first time.

It took me days to digest this fact that the treatment was so simple. It was vaginal infection which made my life psychologically stressed, socially isolated, mentally disturbed and everything which you can think of in hell.

Sometime we try all things in the sky and ignore things which may be very simple.

I am glad that now companies like you are spreading awareness and educating women on vaginal infection. Its truly a big problem which women are unknown to or ignore. BTW, now I use Everteen Natural Intimate Wash for daily wash of my intimate parts, everyday during taking bath. Now, I have two kids and have no sign of vaginal infection, yet also, I do make it a point that I do follow proper intimate care practice and stay away from any sort of vaginal infection. I have tried your Everteen Natural Intimate Wipes too and those are also very good, especially for women who work in offices or have to spend time out of their home.

Keep up the good work.

Best Regards,

Renuka

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